Personal Connections

When I was a little girl, I always envied the girls that were "in". By "in" I don't mean popular. I mean they were always talking about things. What he said, what she did. Some of the most interesting stories I would ever hear. Even better than the ones I read. I just wanted to have that connection with my classmates, maybe actually gain some good friends to hang out with and have slumber parties with. But I kept my mouth shut, looked at everyone else, and stayed in the house. I never really got to make those connections. Now, at seventeen years old, the alienation makes me wanna cry. I keep thinking "I am hiding, or do I want anyone to know the real me? I think about how nobody really knows the real Shondrika except well . . . Shondrika. I keep getting these generic labels. Smart, goofy, kinda nice. I'm letting people underestimate me. I'm not letting anyone notice me. I'm reaching out to me. I don't know if this will be read by anyone. What do I have to do to get some attention, scream all the time? Be mean and viscious and a total bitch? I barely have the strength to do that.Being a loner can really be lonely (sounds kinda stupid, I know). Just being by myself sometimes and reaching out at all. Sometimes I can't even talk because I just wanna be quiet. But then I don't wanna be quiet. I wanna talk and share my feelings and be accepted for all of me, not just what is seen.I don't wanna be loud. That's just stupid for me to do (no offense to anyone who's very outspoken). I don't wanna act stupid. I'm too smart for that. I don't wanna be talked to in a playful manner all the time. I want to know people's stories and feelings and thoughts and connect with them at some level. There's about 100 familiar faces around me and I really only consider 2 of them friends. I talk to some of my teachers more than I talk to my peers. That's very saddening to me. WILL SOMEONE JUST REACH OUT TO ME??